Can’t we just all get along?

I recently had a client ask me the following:  “How do you manage when you have two people who don’t like each other and you need to have a meeting with them?  They are two peers and I’m running the meeting and have been told by their bosses to include them in the meetings and one says to me – keep me out of it as much as I can.”

 

I’ve encountered this situation before.  Realize you are not here to make two people like each other.  Nothing you could do or say could make that happen.  You are here to get a job done – and that job is to have meetings which includes both individuals.

 

I would start with the individual who has requested to be kept out of the meeting as much as possible.  The conversation would go something like this.

 

Step 1:  Make a neutral observation – “I know that you’ve requested not to be involved in meetings with Judy.”

 

Step 2:  Ask questions – “What is it about having Judy in the meeting makes you frustrated?”  The key is to keep the questions about behavior.

 

Step 3:  Normalize the feelings – “I know if I had those feelings about someone, I’d find it difficult to be in the meeting with them.”

 

Step 4:  Discuss the issue – “We need to have these meetings and your boss has requested that you remain involved so she is informed.  What could we do about this?”  If nothing is forthcoming, you can ask, “would you like to hear some of my thoughts?”

 

Step 5:  What’s in it for them – the benefits for changing their behavior – “By you attending the meetings in the way we agreed on, I know you will look great to your boss (or another benefit statement).”

 

Step 6:  Move on – conversation over – “We’re certainly making some great progress on ….”

 

These six steps can be used for almost any difficult conversation.  They’re particularly helpful when you’re talking to an employee who is not acting as you’d like them to.

 

It’s always good to prepare for the conversation ahead of time, if you can.  Practice these six steps and they’ll become very natural for you. They are a great tool to use throughout your career.

 

Do you have any tools that you pull out during difficult conversations?  Please leave a comment below and share what you have found that works.

 

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